Dear Inner Circle,
Throughout my youth I have held on to one fantasy that I would one day like to see fulfilled. I have always wanted to shag a priest. Of course not just any priest. He’s got to be fanciable. The closest I’ve got to it was having sex with a Christian Scientist. He seemed to practise all aspects of his religion…no alcohol, no drugs, no medication of any kind, no coffee, no cigarettes. Except it seemed sex. I had flirted with him so outrageously that he had difficulty holding back and since I was staying as a guest in his home for 3 days it was a bit of a foregone conclusion that he would make a move. Move he did and shag we did. Guilt is a terrible thing and is responsible for difficult to achieve erections. I remember having to work pretty hard to get his doing a totem pole impression. Thankfully once I got wood he never lost it, at least not for 3 days.
Sometime ago I met a very nice Mormon family. Mormon’s are a lot like Christian Scenients in respect that they don’t do anything I consider fun. The only difference is that they do do medication and do get operated upon, if necessary. Of course a Mormon and a Christian Scientist will tell me there are a hundred differences but ..to be honest I don’t give a fuck since I have no interest in anything that produces guilt and religion has a habit of doing that.
Up until that moment the only Mormon I knew about was Donny Osmond. He was very much part of my sexual fantasies as a child, as was Alice Cooper. These choice of male icons should alert you to the fact that I am a bit like Indian Goddesses… very contradictory.
So back to the Mormon family who’s company I really enjoyed. The kids are great and have taught my kids a lot of stuff about how to be good to people. Their mother was an ‘earth mother’, everything a mother should be. Loving wife, nurturing parent and a good listener. The father was someone I would have honed in on had I not had ‘a line’. Over a few months I noticed he would detach himself from the home whenever I entered. Was this to alleviate his wife’s fears that I would eat him alive? Or to prevent himself wanting to eat me alive? Whatever the reason I tried hard to make his wife understand that her company was what I enjoyed and that I would never take another woman’s man.
The Mormon remained behind for 2 weeks after his wife and family left to return to their home country. I made a point not to make contact with him. I do iterate again that had he not been married I would have had him before he could say ‘Jesus’. As you well know I have but one line that I don’t cross… No married men. Unfortunately married men don’t have that same line and have to fight dreadfully with themselves especially if ‘Jesus has anything to do with their lives. It was he who decided to risk spending time with me but I could tell he was very anxious about whether I would pounce and I guess worried that he would want me too. My mantra all evening became ‘He is a married man.. he is a married man…he is a married man’. We sat and chatted and had a great talk about things that you don’t expect Mormon men to speak of, like their sex life. After 3 hours he confessed that he had been tempted and I reassured him that he should never have felt threatened or worried at having his weakness taken advantage of. Yes it was tempting but after having spoken endlessly about his sex life I realised that a one night with him would not rate higher than the student.