You are in a committed relationship, be it marriage or otherwise.
You have cheated on your partner. You are male (what else is new). What is new is that statistically women of today are more likely to cheat. It seems the odd trip to the cinema and breakfast in bed is not enough for us these days.
But let’s look at the overall gender cheating issue. If your partner has cheated there is something essentially wrong with the relationship. It will take more than sticky plaster and a mumbled tearful apology to ensure future fidelity. Here’s why.
Men: Men often cheat because they are unhappy but cannot voice this. Men keep their emotions close, sometimes not even admitting them to themselves. For them cheating is not a cry for attention – it is a hope of release. Men want out when they cheat. Upon truthful sub-conscious evaluation they desire to get caught and thus are spared the painful need to break-up. Why should a man think you will do the severing? Because you have threatened him with a walk out should he stray. Men are simple, they believe you once. Don’t fulfill the threat and he knows it might take more than one indiscretion for you to pack your bags. What if you slap him around a bit and forgive him? If nothing fundamentally changes in your relationship, and if you don’t find out what needs changing (your partner may not be able to tell you either because he doesn’t really understand what is wrong, or is too attached to his balls and he fears you and your cleaver) then your cheating partner will cheat again.
Women: Cheating is often an emotional cry for attention. A woman wants to be forgiven. She wants to restart the relationship, but mostly she wants you to make changes that give her the emotional input she needs. Don’t do that and your food will be burnt, your toast will be served cold, she’ll sit on the sofa with curlers in her hair, a mud mask on her face, her granny’s flannel nightdress on and ignore you. Oh and she may cheat again if someone shows her a little attention.
Degrees of unfaithfulness:
Yes there are degrees. There is bad, worse and frigging awful.
BAD: Your partner has a one-night stand.
The motivation:
Men: He’s flattered that someone not wearing a flannel dressing gown has shown interest. Drink is involved. He’s horny. You are not around. A man has very little resistance to temptation, which is why he needs you constantly with him. Religion too can keep him at heel (although in light of the activity of Catholic priests I may have to rethink this one); or a dose of bromide to control his impulses. It is true that when a man achieves an erection it is not blood that is sucked down to keep him hard, it is the brain.
Women: She’s flattered that someone still finds her beautiful. She is in need of a cuddle. She wants companionship. She needs romance. She could also be drunk.
WORSE: Your partner has an affair.
Here the sexes split. An affair for both sexes is potentially the most dangerous in the break-up of a partnership but it is actually not initially the most dangerous if you can forgive.
Men: Men have affairs because of convenience. They aren’t happy with their relationship but may still love their partner. They may disguise this as a need for variety and excitement but basically you cannot fulfill his needs. Some men are more prone to affairs genetically, as are some Tibetans who posses the high altitude gene that allows them to live at 14,000 feet. (Yes I just read that recently and thought it interesting in that there are inherited genes for just about everything). So, your partner may well be carrying the Casanova gene in which case accept and move on. However, for the majority this is no excuse for bad behaviour. If a man is having an affair then he is now putting time, money and emotion into someone else. You are not enough for him. Your hold on him spiritually has slipped but your hold on him materially probably hasn’t. As long as she can swing an affair – continue to be with someone who feeds his soul thus making living in his parallel universe with you acceptable then he would prefer to keep you, the house, car, kids and family. You can forgive but finding what is missing between the two of you is harder. You both may need counseling. If you can’t get back to the first sparks of love then accept a mediocre marriage that could end with another affair.
Women: When a woman has an affair it is extremely serious unless it’s about revenge fucking in which case your counseling sessions could go on for some time. Women who have affairs are not looking for a quick fix solution for their tortured feelings. They are looking for a replacement.
FRIGGING AWFUL: Internet romance.
Men: If he’s chatting to someone on the Internet. Then you are so screwed. Coming back from that is very hard. He is investing emotionally in someone who is not you and has a need to talk to this woman even when sex is not involved. Yes, you can close down those chat sites, you can monitor his computer usage but sooner or later he will download an app on to his phone and meet another woman he can share depth with. His betrayal of you is complete. No matter that you suck his dick you are still not the person he wants to emotionally share with. You have become ‘the other woman’. He will fall in love with the woman behind the chat and when they do have sex it will be wonderful, regardless of how bad she is, because for men, bad sex is still good sex and with love thrown in it’s invincible.
Women: Boredom is the major prompter to begin Internet chatting. She wants to see if her flirting skills are still razor sharp. Women are genetically created to cock-tease. What better way than from a safe distance. She can run wild with her imagination and yet promise nothing. She can play out the role of vamp, seductress, and high priestess whilst sitting in her flannelette nightdress. She is unlikely to meet the man behind the computer unless she is very ready to leave her partner. It is enough for her to tease and enjoy a lover she never touches.
In conclusion:
If you suspect your partner is cheating via any of the above methods then he/she is! (Unless of course you are from some hot blooded Mediterranean country or from a culture that suspects your brother of plotting against you for the family TV, then it’s probably all in your imagination and you have trust issues).
If you know your partner has cheated in any of the above categories you will know how doomed it is by re-reading the section and considering: The Shallow Sister’s Take On Cheating. Point of note: I am awesomely accurate on just about everything bar which queue to opt for in the supermarket. If you have this skill please pass it on to me.

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